My upper thighs are what I’m still most self-conscious about in regards to my body. 

If I’m naked, I have virtually no issue with my thighs ever.

But once I put on a pair of shorts, ugh. 

It’s poop. 

The fountain by the Hallene Gateway is much deeper than you might think.

I love productive days.

I feel so much more at peace with myself.

Instead of Studying for My Final Tomorrow

I am making a list of things I want to accomplish this summer. What better way to procrastinate than by planning other things to do, eh? 

I just want this summer to not be shitty, since it’s my last free summer before real adult life starts. 

Plans so far: 

• Being healthy. My PCOS symptoms have sucked lately because I’ve been neglecting exercising and healthy eating. I also need to figure out what is wrong with my brain and go to therapy or something. Being happy for a change would be nice.
• Crafting. Mostly right now this means making cloth menstrual pads because I hate these damn things and (tmi) I don’t really bleed enough to warrant using a menstrual cup with birth control. 
• Reading. It’s been so long since I’ve read for pleasure. I have to practically force myself to start a book even though I love being engulfed in a novel. I need to remind myself that I actually enjoy doing things.
• Exploring. Biking, hiking, road tripping, vacationing, etc. The world is a big place. Hell, this country is a big place. I want to be in the mountains. 
• Spending time in public places. I spend too much time alone in the house, even for how introverted I am. It’s important to be around people even if that means just being alone and surrounded by random people.
• Journaling. I need to write more. I feel so much better when I have writing as an outlet. I just keep forgetting it. I’ll regret forgetting parts of my life just because I was too lazy to write them down.

This list, I’m sure, will grow and change, but it’s a pretty good start. 

I am really glad I didn’t need to buy textbooks for this semester because the text books for my summer classes are so god damn expensive. 

I hope I can find them online free. -_- 

Or get a refund since my classes only last four weeks? That’d be nice.

Maybe it’s a manifestation of fully realizing nothing will ever change between us except distance and decay. 

Whenever I have something I need to sort out in my mind, it’s usually through a series of dreams. That’s probably weird, but it’s how my brain works apparently. But this time I have no idea what my dreams are trying to tell me. 

Lately every dream I’ve had has been about letting go of something that was never mine in the first place. And these dreams are so…painful and isolating that I wake up feeling as though I’ve been ripped to shreds. 

Tonight Alex told me I’m not like our other friends…that I’m different. 

And while he didn’t mean it in a bad way, and while I like my friends a whole lot, it still kind of reinforces the feeling I have that I haven’t found where I belong. 

Your stupid heart will never stop breaking over the things you cannot change.

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Is it weird that a good portion of the time, I realize I have feelings for someone because of a dream?

It’s that time of night where my anxiety peaks and the only thoughts I can focus on revolve around everything I’ve fucked up.

I had a dream that we tried to be in each other’s lives again. It was awkward and scary and we were such different people from the last time we talked, but it felt right. 

And when everything is quiet I don’t sit there and wonder what went wrong anymore. I don’t think I miss you. I’m pretty sure you don’t miss me. 

But hell if that dream didn’t sucker punch me straight in the gut.

I am in love with the way your fingers curl against me in your sleep.

I am not in love with you.

And there’s that exception; there’s that feeling I’ve tried so hard to forget.